Tuesday, October 11, 2011

This time it’s different - The Balancing Act

I’ve spent the past few days with my three year old and am boarding a plane in about 5 hours. This is no extraordinary scenario – I moved to Mexico seven months ago for a career opportunity and my son now lives with his father in the states. The extraordinary piece of this is that this plane ride feels different.

I’m usually elated to travel, whether it’s to a new country, a big event, or your standard issue networking opportunity – I’m always ready to “get there”. But this time - I’m not.

For the past 6 weeks I’ve traveled to 3 continents, 6 countries, and 12 cities doing what I love most – or so I thought. But sitting here, looking at this is giving me the deepest sadness I’ve felt in a long time.

The period between pregnancy and my son turning 1 was probably one of the darkest of my life. From the pains of feeling like a failure to nearly two years of my life being turned upside down and back again I probably should have been seeing a therapist and been taking some depression meds. The turning point for me was a decision I made to reclaim me and to relentlessly pursue my dreams all the while being a mommy my way.

My son became my number one sidekick, from committee meetings to step practice to coffeeshops and the office there he was. My friends soon became many Auntie’s and Uncle’s and I pushed through the feelings of disappointment and hurt bit by bit. The road hasn’t been without bumps, but this is life right?

Then came the opportunity – Move to Mexico, travel the world, start a new unit, climb the big professional ladder. I was beyond excited – Trace will learn a second language, get constant exposure to different cultures and I’ll do the same….giant leap! But it didn’t turn out that way.

Crazy travel schedule and news hype about the dangers of Mexico meant Trace stayed behind. In my head I thought, it’s a 3 hour flight to Atlanta, I can go once a month and visit and it’s a short term sacrifice for a long-term gain.

That has been working until today. Today my son said “I want to live in Mexico just like you, I want to go on the plane just like you mommy”.  The earnestness in his face broke my heart – this wasn’t the idea. As much as I talk to my son and tell him what I’m doing and remind him that I love him – doing this without him by my side often makes me wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

In my heart I know I’m walking in my path and that these are necessary steps to future abundance but today it’s not easy…it’s very different.

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